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The Alchemized Spirit
It is my mission in life to help you heal self-doubt, self-sabotage and imposter syndrome through blending neuroscience and ancient spiritual wisdom. I want you to achieve you dreams, your deserved success and your true potential so that you may do what the fuck you came here to do. And do it easily, effortlessly, with courage, confidence and joy!
Hosted by Ashleigh van der Hoven, it is my life's purpose to awaken reverence in others. Reverence is a deep and profound love, respect and awe for life.
I believe it is this reverence for life itself that will awaken you to the brilliance that lies within you so that you can meet the brilliance that awaits you without.
My work is ancient ancient and modern spirituality, practical psychology, neuroscience and subconscious mind reprogramming.
Each week, you can expect the latest tools, insights and spiritual principles to help shift your energy and mindset in a way that will affect your life in real-time.
Cant wait to make magic with you!
Stay Golden,
Ash
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The Alchemized Spirit
How I bounced back from my recent burnout & mild depressive episode to quantum leap in my biz & acting career | Ep. 13
2 months ago.. I was burnt out, depressed, prescribed depression meds from a psychiatrist (didn’t take them), diagnosed with severe ADHD and felt so overwhelmed and had a VERY UNUSUAL (for me) fleeting thought of “what’s the point of all of this”...
Now, my business is blowing up AND so is my acting career... So what happened? What did I do? How do I have the energy now to hold all this? What did I learn in my mini dark night of the soul? How did I turn this low into a total high before the year ended? Well... beauties, I have the whole story and the codes in this podcast episode.
Enjoy & Stay Golden!
Ash
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Hello, beautiful humans. I so looking forward to this podcast episode today because, behind the scenes, you guys, I have been through it all. I've been through a bit of a ringer, I've been through like a bit of a mini dark night of the soul the last couple of months and I'm so excited to bring you this podcast episode because I've really taken everything that I stand for, everything that I'm about, everything that I coach on, everything that I teach, everything that I say all the talk, the talk and I've really been walking the walk the last couple of months and I'm so grateful for that experience because it just gets me to embody this work so much more. And also going through a tough time, which I'll explain in a little bit. Going through a tough time or going through a mini dark night of the soul really just reminds me of where my clients are sometimes or what my clients have been through. And if you know anything about my story, I think podcast on this podcast episode number one is where I tell my whole story. But I had my dark night of the soul when I was 30. And what I've been through the last couple of months has been a mini version of that and I haven't been sharing about it on Instagram.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it's weird, because sometimes I feel like a bit like a phony. Excuse me if you can hear Leo, my cat, meowing in the background. I'm not sure if you can or can't, but he's agreeing as we go. He's very vocal, but what was I saying? No, yeah, it's not that I feel like a phony, but I do. You know I'm.
Speaker 1:I don't like to share as I'm going and as I'm working through something, mainly because I have clients and I don't want my clients to feel like they need to be worried about me or I don't want my clients to feel like they you know that they need to somehow hold space for me Because I have such beautiful relationships with my clients and I know they, I love them and they love me and we care so much about each other and they always want to know my news and obviously I tell them, but I'll never tell them like the depth of what's really going on at the time, because I don't want them to feel like they can't just fully receive from me. You know, and I think when you feel like the other person's going through something, you might they, they lovely people. I attract the most amazing people, so then they kind of want to hold suddenly hold space for me, and so that's why I don't share as I'm going through things, because I just want to protect that relationship and also because when I am going through something, I don't need, I don't need to be in a perfect place in order to be a great coach and hold space for clients. In fact, when I'm going through something or I'm going through a tough time, even if I'm just on my like, literally on my period, or having that week before my period, where I feel like a batshit crazy person, getting to show up for clients when I'm in that phase is the best thing ever for me, because it's an opportunity to be of service and that there's this thing that happens when we're of service to others where, you know, I feel like a lot of our problems when it comes to dissatisfaction, unhappiness, depression, all these these things that we struggle with. A lot of it is and I say this with love is self-scented thinking, and self-scented kind of has a bad rap for that name, but all it means is like thinking too much of the self. You know, if you think of what it means to be self-conscious, it's like, oh I'm, I'm so conscious of myself that I can't actually connect with others. And the quickest way, I believe, to get out of that like where you're just so wrapped up in your own problems and your own woes and your own stuff, the quickest way to get out of a bad mood that is wrapped up like that is to be of service and to help others and be there for someone and to ask someone, reach out to a friend, ask them what they need, and then for that time you're not thinking about your own stuff, you're not thinking about your own problems.
Speaker 1:And I believe, on a on a quantum level, on a spiritual level sometimes, if you imagine that everything is made up of atoms and ultimately we are all the same atom, we all made up of the same atoms. And you know I don't have time to go into the quantum physics of this, but the principle is that we are all made up of atoms and we are all made up of the same atoms around the world, so we could all be the same atom. You know the concept and spirituality that we are one. And so I believe that when you are of service to another and you help someone else and you're kind to someone else and you care about them, you do something for them, you're helping to change their at that atom that's outside of you, but actually it's the same atom as you. So that act of service is actually kind of selfish because it makes you feel so good and then, I think, because you've helped an atom outside of you be happier and be more loved, and all of that than that, invariably because the atom changes, your atom changes. So that's my theory and that's why I still love to be of service even though I'm going through something. But yeah, that's why I haven't really been sharing about this experience on Instagram and you know.
Speaker 1:So what happened was I got back from America I think you all know. I came back to South Africa and obviously in America, spent a year and a half. They had to shut down my business. I couldn't work, couldn't act, didn't have the right work visa, and I got back to South Africa and I really, I really I wasn't planning on coming back. I didn't. The whole time I was in the US I didn't know when I'd be able to come back. You know, it all happened very, very fast.
Speaker 1:I surprised my family, which was amazing, and what happened actually was I got offered to do a sequel of a commercial for a car Hyundai car commercial. That I did two years ago. And they called me up and they said we want to do a sequel because this commercial in South Africa was very popular. It was like everywhere. And I said, well, I can't come. And then they were like, well, we will pay you, we'll pay for your flight to South Africa and we'll pay to fly you back to the US and we'll pay to put you up in a hotel in Johannesburg, which is a different city to what I usually live in, which is Cape Town. And I was like damn, that sounds so good. And I was like fuck, that's like a really great deal. So I went, me and Jesses went back to Lois and spoke to them about me coming home and I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of it I decided.
Speaker 1:And then at the same time my mom went into hospital to have a hip replacement and I just was getting this like overwhelming. I was actually like toward the end of my stay in America, or that period of time at least, still, you know, still live there and I'm going back. But during that period of time I was having these weird things where I'd like I'd be falling asleep one night and I would just anxiety, would just like pulse out of nowhere through my body and I'd have these racing thoughts of like what if something happens to someone back in South Africa? And I've not been stuck in the US for a year and a half. I haven't seen my family. I haven't seen my mom, my nephews, my nieces, and I was just getting this like overwhelming feeling of like life is too short. You know, like what am I doing? Like I know I'm here waiting for this, you know, next visa situation to happen, and but it's this worth it? You know, like I'm acutely aware that the most important thing in life is family and loved ones. So the commercial popped up. We spoke to lawyers. The lawyers said you know what? We think you're going to be okay.
Speaker 1:So it was a bit of a complicated situation, but I get flown back by this comeback, which I mean in itself, that manifestation getting to and this is like part of what I want to talk about here which is like the manifesting work is always going on, even in the background. And what happens when you do a program like mine, or the program that I specifically did for actors two years ago which I speak about in my story. It's part of why I'm teaching this work and the work you know I did. That program laid some serious manifestation foundations, shifted massive beliefs around my acting career, around me and my acting career. I could go to America for a year and a half and manifest a job like that. Like it's insane and it was always like a dream of mine to be flown places to act and get paid and put up in a hotel. So I literally I get flown back to South Africa.
Speaker 1:The week I come back, I have a casting director for a movie that I shot I mean auditioned for three years ago. She calls me up. She goes we're making this movie. Are you back in South Africa? We want you, we're going to book you on the roll. Actually, I thought I'd have to do a callback for it and she's like we don't even need to do that, we want to book you immediately. So that was crazy.
Speaker 1:So, like all these things are happening, I'm just living my best life and that period of time was actually amazing. It was so beautiful to see my family and then Jesses and I went to Europe and Greece and this is where I started to kind of feel like something was off. Because we went to Greece, we went to this beautiful five star hotel. You know like really spent weeks picking this hotel for the incredible, like how stunning the hotel was, how incredible the ocean, the beach. I just I found like, if you want the name of the hotel that you know, but I wanted the best beach. We literally looked for the best, most beautiful beach in Greece that had like had a hotel and a resort, and I was just like you know it's been a year and a half, I know I haven't worked, I've got a bit of savings, but I just need to. I just want to go and lie on a beach or buy a pool and just be served and just have this experience for myself.
Speaker 1:And when we got there, I noticed something was wrong, because I wasn't feeling, I kept thinking I should be happier, I should be happier, I should be happier. Why am I not that happy? Why do I not feel like the usual joy that I feel? And like I remember the one day we went tubing and like I love water sports and we rented a boat and I just wasn't like I think I was just so well. Now I know I just I was so stressed and almost burnt out, you know, with that whole holiday, even though I had an amazing time I did, of course I enjoyed it and there were beautiful moments, but I just, as someone who has so much joy inside of her, I know what it is to be in fully in my joy, and I just the whole trip I was like something. I just feel like I can't feel this joy.
Speaker 1:So I come back to to South Africa. To give you the context. I came back to South Africa after the US for two weeks, shot the commercial, saw my family and then went to Europe because we actually had a wedding in France before the Greece trip. So I get back to South Africa after the Greece trip and I just hit the ground running. It's like my business is back on full time, my coaching business. I'm like content creation, let me create this, let me create that. I'm fully in the swing of auditions, castings again and I'm like just guns blazing. You know, hit the ground running, guns blazing, and I start burning myself out and I know at first I was fine and then, about three or four weeks in, I just start to notice again I just kept thinking something's off with me, like I I'm having and this is how I actually know you guys I'm very aware of my thoughts and I don't call myself the dick destroyer for nothing, the deepest critic destroyer.
Speaker 1:I know that voice so well and I started to notice that when I'd like walk into my room, I was just feeling low. I was just feeling really low. And I would walk into my room, for instance, and I would see the towel on the floor and this voice, this intrusive thought, intrusive voice, would be like Jesus, ashley, why is the towel on the floor? You can't even fucking put a towel on its rack in the bathroom. You're so useless. And I'd be like whoa, whoa, hold the phone y'all. Where the fuck did that voice come from? Because I'm aware of my thoughts. Right, this is the practice, this is like what we do. And then you know, I would walk downstairs and I'd see something else there and I just started to notice that there was this voice in the background that maybe I wasn't conscious of it before, but I think I was conscious and I was catching the beginning remnants of it, where I was like shit, this, my dick is out. Sorry to say it like that, but I'm like this voice is not, you're usually around and something's going on here, because this voice is very intense and it started. It was just I was being very tough on myself.
Speaker 1:So, even though I was taking all this action in my business, nothing was happening. I don't know what I expected, like I think I just expected to come back to South Africa and suddenly sign like 15 clients in one month, which is probably I don't want to say anything's impossible. But it doesn't even matter whether it's impossible or not. I don't have the space in my nervous system even if I was the best version of myself right now to hold space for 15 white one-on-one clients all onboarding at the same time in one month. But I think, because I thought that wasn't happening, things weren't working. That's not good. Yeah, I don't know what my expectations are.
Speaker 1:I really just expected, when I got back to South Africa and I could run my business full time and open it back up to its full expression, and that things would just happen so quickly and when they weren't happening so quickly within like six weeks or so, we need to talk about patience, you guys. Patience is everything, and this is part of the manifestation process is like when things are not showing up. What story are you telling yourself? Because at the time I was like, oh my gosh, I'm not, this isn't working. Like, this is another thing that's failing in my life. And then couple that with I'm exhausted, but I'm taking so much action in my business and I'm doing all these like shoulds, right, like, oh, I should do this and I should be doing that, and I should be doing that and really criticizing. The more things weren't working, the more I was going, oh, what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong? I've been, I've done way less before and had a way more thriving business, anyway. So these intrusive thoughts were happening.
Speaker 1:I was feeling very low, feeling very conflicted, feeling a bit lost again, and I was like whoa, this is kind of like almost a dark night at the soul again. And I say almost because it wasn't at the level that it was three years ago. What's interesting, you guys, is that three years ago, when I had my dark night at the soul, I had also been stuck in America for a whole year without oh no, that was like six months. But I was stuck there because of COVID and I'd been there for six months without being able to work. And when I came back then this was when I was 30, I hit the ground running in the same way and was like, oh my God, I've got to get act, I've got to act. And I I come back and because I think I haven't been working, I'm like a crazy person trying to make up for last time. But actually what I realized is that I'm exhausted.
Speaker 1:So, because it's stressful being stuck in a country, first of all, it's stressful being stuck there, not being able to work when you're someone who is very driven and has a purpose, like I have a fucking mission, you know, and I can't carry out my mission. It's like it's so depressing, actually, now that I think about it. And then, on top of that, obviously I have an incredible partner that's supporting me, but there's, there's only so you're not going to be living your full life when someone is supporting you. So I was taking money out of my savings to to help myself and support myself as well, and blazing through through that, you know. So, all that to say, I noticed this pattern. I was like whoa, okay, I have this pattern and this is growth, you guys, because growth is not linear, meaning it doesn't go in a linear, straight line you are most likely going to visit the same patterns over and over and over again, only that you get so much better at dealing with them and you recognize them way quicker and you're like, oh my God, I know the solution to this. So that's what happened to me.
Speaker 1:I had a moment. I actually spoke to my spiritual mentor who, back in the original it was so weird like back in the original Dark Knight of the Soul, when I was 30 and I just got come back from America I also spoke to her. We were working together at the time. Now we're not working together, but I just happened to have a catch up call with her and she brought it to my attention that depression is the difference between the space and the space between and I wish you could see me if you're listening to this, but for those of you who are watching this video depression is the space between what you can manage and what your expectations are of what you should be managing. So what I'd been doing at the time, which is what I did three years ago was you should. You should be this. Your business should be that your back, you should be working, you should. What are the shoulds in the business and I was exhausted.
Speaker 1:I was exhausted from this period of time in America that was actually highly stressful for me, that I felt trapped, that I felt quite powerless, that there was so much uncertainty. I didn't know when I would be able to leave America. I didn't know when I was going to be able to work in America. And I was. I was away from my family, I was in a new city, which you know it's hard to make friends in a new city when you're like 30 and in a couple, so I didn't have community around me. And I came back with all these shoulds and my spiritual mentor at the time pointed that out and I went oh, my God, I think I've slipped into this similar depression as I had three years ago.
Speaker 1:And I went okay, cool, what would I tell myself three years ago? What would I have told the three years ago self of mine? And I was like, okay, take off all the expectations. You need to chill the fuck out. Okay, luckily, you need to just do the bare minimum. Forget about your business, forget about content creation, forget about trying to find clients, forget about the courses that you want to create, forget about your email marketing system, and just do the bare minimum, and so I immediately shifted gears and I also knew what always comes up for me is a worthiness issue.
Speaker 1:So when I'm in that space of I should, I should, I should, I should, life should look like this life should look like that, there's an undercurrent for me, which is that because my business is not what I want it to look like, because my acting career is not what I want it to look like, I'm a failure and I'm unworthy. And until my acting career is what I think it should look like and my business is what I think it should look like and I'm earning what amount I think I should be earning, I am not worthy of feeling successful or feeling fulfilled, or feeling satisfied or feeling self love. And I noticed that as well and I went whoa, okay, so the work is to slow things down. This is not the time for creation. This is not the time for hustling. I do think there is a time for hard work.
Speaker 1:I do think there is a time for hustle, but healthy hustle, and it is not when you're in a rut, it is not when you're feeling low, and it should not come from a place of oh, I need to get myself out of this situation by hustling. It's more. The hustle must be an expression of your vitality. The hustle must be an expression of your joy and creativity. It mustn't come from this place of I need these things to happen for me in order to feel successful and worthy. And I know that's a really hard thing for people to get behind, because people are like well, I need the money, I need the this or I need the that.
Speaker 1:But I would say, if you're surviving now, at what you're surviving at, or even just which, I think you are, because if you're listening to this on a podcast and you have a phone and stuff like that, I know you are and I have trust me. I've been a struggling actress. I've been there when there's no money and there's, you know. I want people to understand that I think a lot of. I met some on the other day and they're like oh, but you, you know you don't. It's easy for you to say this now because you, you have the stuff and I'm like but I was where you were and I had to make a decision at that point. So all that to say it can't. If you just stay at this level, you'll be, you'll be okay, you know what to predict in your current situation. So really, just now I lost my thought. If you are trying to hustle and create from this empty place, you will create more emptiness.
Speaker 1:I knew at the time okay, I just need to bring down the shards, the to-do list, to bare minimum. What do I just need to do to get by? I need to start doing the inner work around worthiness. I need to feel worthy despite what I've been through. I need to stop telling old stories. One of the old stories that I was telling was the last year and a half held me back. I really held on to that story. I was unfair.
Speaker 1:What happened to me in America? I was just about to get started on all these things. Bear in mind, you guys, I already had my year of COVID, where I did not work and I burnt through my savings. After that year I did the mindset and manifestation work and all the successes and actresses, started my coaching business. My coaching business was about to take off and I was doing so well for that year after. This is my story for this business. This is how I came to this work.
Speaker 1:Then I freaking go visit my partner in America and my visa gets canceled at the airport and I get stuck in America and for a year and a half again unable to work. It's like a second COVID. People couldn't fly and go see their family. I couldn't fly and go see my family. People could come visit me and they were going to they were about to if I hadn't come home. But this thing that had happened to me. I was so attached to it and I was like I'm not where I should be because of this thing.
Speaker 1:I had to start to identify stories that I needed to let go of, and that was a big. I've now completely, I fully believe that that year actually pushed me forward. I don't know what my five-year plan looks like or I do know what my plan looks like. I don't know what the next, but this five-year stint looks like and I get to choose. That that year and a half actually pushed me forward. I don't know how, yet I don't know the full story. I can tell you now that I would have never spent three months living in a Zen monastery if it hadn't been for that.
Speaker 1:I also ran through a really tough time and I learned unreal skills. I went through a lot of challenges. There was a lot of growth. I learned that I'm strong as hell. I learned that there is so much I learned in there and I know that the effects of that. I have no idea what's waiting for me in a year's time and I know that I'm going to look back on this time and be like whoa.
Speaker 1:At the time I was telling this big story of like, oh, I just got held back for a year and a half, but actually that year and a half pushed me forward and I want you guys to understand this, because this is the power of your beliefs and your stories that you tell, because I could very easily say to you guys no, I burned through my savings, I could not progress my business in the way that I wanted to. I couldn't act. This held me back. I mean, objectively, anyone who looks could be like, yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense that it holds you back right, because legally you couldn't fucking do any of those things. But I identified that as a limiting belief that is keeping me stuck in the past and that is no longer part of my story. So I released that. I focused on my worth. I signed up for a.
Speaker 1:I love to learn from other people. So, of course, I always do my own work, but I love to sign up for a program or a course because the financial investment really gets me to do the work, and learning from others is just so. I like to take on other people's journeys and then also I love to share those things with you as well and learn new tools and learn new ways of thinking. So I signed up for a feminine embodiment how am I even calling this? Anyway, I signed up for a mindset course for female entrepreneurs and it really was about restoring your sense of worthiness, and part of me at the time wanted to be like no, I should be investing this money in more strategic things for my business, right, because I need to get my business ahead. So I need to. I should be investing in a business coach or a business course or whatever. But I know you guys, I know this and I just proved it again, because I'll get to the end of the story and all the manifestations that have just happened and how I'm out of the rut.
Speaker 1:I know that when I'm in this place, when I'm in this rut, when I'm stuck, when the depression starts to seep in, when I start to feel so overwhelmed when the anxiety is seeping in. I know that what I have is a worthiness issue. I do not allow myself to feel good, to feel joy, to feel fulfilled, to feel capable, to feel worthy of self-love and recognition if I'm not performing or if I'm not getting the results in my life. And that is just. The universe just wants me to learn over and over again that I'm worthy, no matter what is going on in my life. That is the spiritual truth and I don't know if that's your pattern, but that's my pattern. That's what I get to learn over and over again.
Speaker 1:Ashley, are you going to abandon yourself when your outer world does not look the way that you think it should, when you don't feel necessarily as successful? Are you going to abandon yourself? Are you going to now waste precious days in your life, precious weeks, precious months, precious years in your life not feeling joy, not feeling love and connection? I don't know what your situation is, but I have so much love in my life. I have an incredible family, I have an incredible partner who loves me and supports me, and I couldn't see any of that because I was so wrapped up in what the fuck I think my life should look like. I literally want to cry right now because I think of all the wasted days, because I wouldn't let myself feel worthy until I had these things, until these things are in place, until my life looks the way that I think it should look in the three-dimensional world that, honestly, doesn't even fucking exist, because my soul, like we're going to move on from this world and we're going to leave it all behind Anyway, and all that matters is how much we love the people around us and how much connection we had and how much joy we felt.
Speaker 1:So the work always goes back to worthiness and my program Next Level Success. You know, when I took a round of people through it, I was even surprised at how healing the program was. I didn't think of it as a healing program. I didn't think of it as a worthiness program. For me it was like I'm going to help you overcome self-doubt and manifest the success that you deserve. And I didn't see and connect the dots and I was so surprised when everyone came through and how much they loved themselves and how worthy they felt and how I'm like, oh yeah, this is a word that's a worthiness issue. Like da, like you just don't like, when you feel worthy, you walk into a room different. When you feel worthy, you sign up for things or answer the call that your you know your boss has to a different project, like it's all. It's such a worthiness journey and I'm so grateful for the experience.
Speaker 1:So I told you that I brought things down to a bare minimum and I lasted like two weeks, not even actually lasted a couple of days. I was like I just got in bed and I was like I'm going to Netflix. You guys don't understand. I'm consuming spiritual things all the time personal development, spiritual things, reading all the books, reading all. And then, because I'm a coach, I'm like, oh, how can I apply this to clients? How can I apply this to content? How can I apply this to courses? And I was like I need to just give myself a break. Seriously, I need to give myself a break. So I just put on some Netflix. What did I watch? Oh, my God, so good. Sex education season three. How good. You guys, if you haven't watched sex education, you need to like pronto. So I watched, I just got into bed to watch Netflix and lasted a couple of days and then I had this like surge of energy come back.
Speaker 1:So for me, I think when I had to do this three years ago, in my dark night of the soul, I had to take off like a month or two and luckily it was over summer. So I even and during this time, when I take off the expectations you guys have to understand I don't even tell myself I need to meditate. Because when I've slipped into this form of depression one second Sorry, my video froze I'm also videoing this oh, it's frozen again. Hang on. When I'm in this slightly depressed state, I'm even beating myself up about not meditating, not doing enough breath, through not doing this, not doing like, I beat myself up about the mental health things that I'm not supposed to be doing, and so that becomes a weapon too. So when I take off all the expectations, I'm like I'm not forcing myself to do anything and I really again bring it down to like such a minimum. So I'll pick one thing to do I'm not doing a journal and a meditation and a break, like, fuck that shit. Like. And I actually for a couple of days or weeks the time I had to do this three years ago I literally for four weeks I was like I'm not doing anything, I'm living my life, like I'm not doing any of this fucking spiritual shit, like I need a break. I need a break from the spirituality or the personal development or the like. I just need to. And it works like a charm every time. So I take that off. I feel like I'm talking in loops here, but anyway, I take that off.
Speaker 1:I readjust my expectations. I realized it's a worthiness issue. I signed up for that course, which at the time kind of felt like a lot, but then I got a message from the coach that runs in. She's like just receive this course. This is a receiving course. Like you just get to receive it, which was such a beautiful thing for her to say. And I was like that's so true. And I started to do the work around that.
Speaker 1:I started to release the old stories. One of the big ones was obviously not being I need like an order for me to feel worthy or successful. These things need to be in place. I let go of the story that this last year and a half helped me back and I was like fuck that, because do you understand that? So long as I tell myself that that will be what's manifesting, right? So if I keep going, oh, I got held back. I got held back. Then I'm gonna produce results in my current reality that are not good to confirm that that did hold me back. So letting go of old stories and what happened was nothing short of a miracle. Then I was, so the last thing I would say is I shifted my. I really looked for the signs that the universe was supporting me. So throughout this whole time, what was so interesting which I've never experienced before, even though I was solo I did actually go to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with severe ADHD, which is a whole other story and I think had a lot to do with all the overwhelm that was happening.
Speaker 1:I kind of knew I had ADHD but I didn't wanna, like officially diagnose myself, but it has been creating some serious problems. Actually, I have pretty severe ADHD and I think I just don't want help. I'm like I just don't want help. That's my other story. I don't need anyone. I don't need any help from anyone. I've got it all. But I did go, finally go to a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with ADHD and I'm trying some herbal things first to combat that and I'll see how that goes, because I don't like to.
Speaker 1:I have nothing against medication, but I would like that I know what those types of meds would do to me, and I'm already such a high energy person that I just I want to stay grounded and I do for me personally and everyone's totally different but I do feel like those types of medications will cut me off from spirit and my intuition and that's so important for me in my work, like when I'm with clients. I want to be right there with them and my energy is so important to me and having a perfectly clear channel. That's why I don't drink. So I don't smoke weed. I don't. You know, I don't take I don't recreationally take mushrooms, you know those are very I don't do anything. I'm a very clean vessel and I want to try and keep it that way. But me personally, I do believe that these meds can very much help other people and they have a totally different experience with that. It's like weed. Some people smoke weed and it's so good for them and they're so creative and it's amazing for their life. When I smoke weed, I just become really stupid and paranoid and I'm really grumpy the next day. So again, not judging anyone else's relationship to these things, this is me.
Speaker 1:When I got diagnosed with ADHD. I also got diagnosed with a depressive mood disorder, which is basically depression and yeah, again was. So I was right, I did think I was actually depressed and I wanted to just go and confirm that. But I had so much I was saying I had so much support around me because so I feel like I have to tie a bow on that, which is, I did get to prescribe depression meds, but also I'm dealing with that holistically and verbally before I do anything. But honestly, you guys, I feel so much better. Now it's been a month and it's amazing, I think it's like. Also, I just want to say I went to the psychiatrist once and she diagnosed me. It was a bit scary how quickly I was in a questionnaire for like 10, 10, 15 questions, so, but I do. I do have mental health struggles in my family, so you know, anyway, I'm dealing with it in a different way and I really feel better.
Speaker 1:So I looked for signs that the universe was taking, taking care of me the ADHD thing. What happened was I was seeing a new therapist at the time. The therapist, my psychic and my mom all, in the space of three days, said they think I have ADHD. That's how I landed up at the psychiatrist. That felt very supportive. I was like fuck, the universe is so like supporting me. Also, I was getting signs. I was seeing signs everywhere at my spirit animal. They were crazy.
Speaker 1:My and this is what I learned was that you can be going through a really, really tough time, and it felt really hard. At the time. I felt very low, you guys. I felt very disappointed and dissatisfied and just like overwhelmed, so overwhelmed. But then, at the same time, it felt like the universe had created this cocoon around me of support and my mom was showing up for me like never before, like her and I have had so much healing. That is maybe its own podcast. My sisters were there for me.
Speaker 1:I'm in South Africa, I'm around people that I love. Justice was being my partner, was being so supportive and I really just felt like I had like my life was in flow, but it was like I was in mud but so in flow. I was really looking for ways that I was being actually supported throughout this whole time and I was like I don't know what. I don't know what the universe want, what's going to come of this. I have no idea what's in front of me. But I just know to hold steady and I just know to accept what is happening, I just know to surrender and really pulling on all those tools. But, most importantly, looking at how I was actually being supported, and the more I looked for ways that I was being supported through a really tough time and was like I was being held, the more support I felt. And so I was going through this very dark time but I didn't feel scared, if that makes sense, because it was dark and I was overwhelmed, but I just felt held and I just felt so supported and it was such a beautiful experience.
Speaker 1:And since then and I would say another thing is that when manifestation, like when you're going through this time, I'm not scripting, I'm not doing the usual manifestation tools, I'm not doing affirmations, I'm not. This is like shadow work. And for me, affirmations, manifestation, all of that is a spiritual tool. Yes, to create your reality, but there's creation tools in this and for me in that, sorry, there's creation tools in manifestation, but for me manifestation is a spiritual tool. That is not for this time, not for this dark night time. The tool for dark night is acceptance, surrender, doing the worthiness work, doing the shadow work. Of course I let go of that story that I'd been held back and of course I'm letting go of the story that I'm only worthy when things are so. That is kind of, but that's for my healing right. That's not, for in my mind I'm like that's not for manifestation, like that's just for healing.
Speaker 1:So what I learned here was this is not this is the time for healing. This is the time for worthiness work. This is the time for shadow work. This is not the time for visioning. This is not the time for, like, trying to trick myself into being high vibe. No, this is about truly honoring where I'm at and when I'm going through a tough time like this, when I'm going through a dark time like this, when my body is tired, when my nervous system is tired, and I feel like most people would call this low vibration out of alignment. Right In manifestation, we talk about wanting to be in alignment with what we want, and one of the ways that we are in alignment with what we want to manifest is by feeling joy and feeling high vibe right, because if our manifestations, we think we're going to feel high vibe with our manifestations, then we have to feel high vibe today.
Speaker 1:That's alignment and most people will say that when you're low vibe, you're not in alignment. However, I think that the easiest way to get back into alignment when you're low vibe is just to be okay with your low vibeness, is to just be honoring that. You are tired, to be honoring your burnout, to be honoring that, you need to nourish yourself and to just get into alignment with your nervous system, which means to slow things the fuck down. And when you are present to that in your body, in your energy, in your system, you slip back into alignment. You see, and then maybe it's still low vibe alignment, but you can eventually start to climb your way out of that.
Speaker 1:But people don't. People just never want to hear this. They never want to hear this because what they want to hear is that they should do more to get out of this place, to do more. I need to control more. I need to do more because, as humans, we want to do, because doing is control, but control is the biggest fucking illusion that we have. We need to in these stages. We need to go back to just honoring our body and then we yes, some remnant of control might come back. Still an illusion. Separate podcast control is an illusion, but I hope that makes sense. So, as I'm doing all this and just honoring where I'm at and trusting the process, what's happened since then is my vitality started to come back.
Speaker 1:When I rested, I got all these new ideas for my business and a second wind of content creation and what I wanted to do in my business. I auditioned for a movie, which again is like a whole other podcast episode, but I really didn't want to. I was still quite depressed when I went for the audition and I almost didn't go because I was like I don't even think I want to act anymore. But I went to the audition because I walk the walk, I don't just talk the talk, and I was like I don't know if this thought that I don't want to act belongs to me or my dick. So I'm just going to do it anyway and I haven't auditioned in two years. So let me just go and get an audition out the way.
Speaker 1:And I've manifested the role. I'm shooting a movie. It's probably my biggest role so far. It's the most I'm getting paid for acting apart from a commercial. It's the most I'm getting paid for a TV or movie role that I've done. It's an incredible cast. It's so awesome. It's so much fun.
Speaker 1:We had a table read last night. I'm so pumped to be back on set. I can't believe it. I can't believe I booked the first role that I got since I've been back in South Africa. Clients are streaming and I'm selling so many more courses. My audios are being sold. I'm signing new one-on-one clients. I'm actually fully booked now. I had to tell a client that I can only start with her next year because so much is going on. I shot a commercial yesterday and today On so many callback lists for commercials and also having to turn.
Speaker 1:I'm actually turning down work because so much is happening. I wouldn't have the space to hold all of this. If this happened two months ago, I would be fucking out to you guys. I did not have the nervous system for it. I was so burnt out. This has only happened because I slowed down, because I honored my system. I didn't ask for any of this to happen, but I've laid the foundations of manifestation years ago, months ago. I know that even when I went internal, when I slowed things down and I went internally and I worked on my worth, I knew that I would get my energy back. I knew I'd get my joy back. I knew I'd get my vitality back. That is my new form of alignment to bring in all the work that is happening. It was weird because at first I was trying to adjust to the new work and the new opportunities and I still was not feeling that joyful. I was happy, but I still wasn't feeling that joyful. Then something just clicked the one day and now I'm fully back in the joy of what is going on. It's very much a testimony to being able to slow things down and being able to Just honor the rut, honor the stackness, honor the fatigue, honor the burnout, and to just keep revisiting this work that you are worthy even without these things. You are worthy before they come. You get to experience joy before they come.
Speaker 1:Before I got all this work, I was making room for joy. I was thinking what am I? I joined which is another thing that I did is I joined a painting class. I was like what are the things that I'm interested in? I started horse riding again. These are things, you know, that light my soul on fire and so I'm like, okay, cool, let me get some hobbies, like I can't just be fucking wrapped up in this business and my acting career. I need some other things that bring me joy. Let me spend time with my family, let me get into nature, as long as those things don't become shits.
Speaker 1:But for me, like painting would never be a shud, you know, and horse riding would never be a shud, doing things like that. To rather spend your time doing that to raise your vibration, to raise your vitality, to remind yourself that you're here, so human. But you just can't be so wrapped up in these things. You know, life is too damn short. Life is too damn short and you can feel these feelings, these feelings of worthiness, these feelings of joy, these feelings of abundance, before the manifestations come.
Speaker 1:You guys, if you do not master that process, you're missing the whole point of spirituality and you'll have to learn it over and over again, and you probably will in different varying ways, just like I had to learn it. Now again I slipped out of it. It's like you learn it and then you're like good for a while and then well, at least my experience is like I'll slip back a little bit, which is what happened, and I had to learn this lesson all over again, but it was a way quicker process. I was able to see oh my God, I'm doing this thing again. What would I do now that I didn't do back then? I was like, okay, cool, here's the. It's like a protocol, you know. It's like the stuck in a rut protocol to get back into alignment. So, yeah, that actually was an unexpected twist of what the podcast took.
Speaker 1:I think I just wanted to catch you up on all of that, because I've been wanting to explain the full story on Instagram and there's just not enough space. I'm so grateful, I'm so grateful for this work, I'm so grateful for the darkness, you know, and, if anything, it just helps me to serve you more. It helps me to serve my community more. It helps me to be like oh yeah, this is what it feels like and this is what it feels like to get out of it and the stuff that I teach really really works, like it really really works. But people have to be willing. You know, I think people are very attached to things not working out because it's kind of addictive. That's another podcast I have that I wanna do, which is like how your dick, your deepest inner critic, is addictive because it's just like this misery hole of.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's just so much easier to think this and it's easy to think it won't work for me, and it's easy. That's all so much easier than having to dive in and do the work and choose something different. That's gonna be uncomfortable for a while. So, yeah, it's been a ride. You guys, it's been a ride. It's been a ride, but I'm so grateful Again.
Speaker 1:I'm just so grateful and I'm so in awe of this work and I'm so in awe of how, for me, it's like a combination of healing and manifestation, healing and manifestation. And sometimes we're like high vibe and we're manifesting. And that's like where I am right now, like I'm manifesting things left, right and center and it's like whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy. This is crazy, but it took a period of darkness and healing during that period. I wasn't trying to manifest during that period. I know I said this already, but just to reiterate, that was a healing period and that is life. There's ups and downs and you gotta notice what season you're in and if you're in a winter, it's time to fucking slow things down. And I will say that there is a massive winter going on for the collective consciousness, because all my clients are dealing with this. All my clients are burnt, on the brink of burnout, exhausted.
Speaker 1:There's a lot in the media that is, and I say that because there's always awful things going on in the world, always, and right now it's really really heightened and I don't wanna play down anyone's experience of that, but there's a full on genocide happening in Sudan right now that no one's talking about. There's anyway. I don't wanna talk about horrific things, but there's always awful things going on. Right now, I mean on around the world, which is part of I don't have any answers for that. The only question I would ask God when I see him. I'm like, bro, what's up with all this suffering shit? Like I don't, I get it, but I don't get it. It's very hard for me to wrap my head around, but there is a lot in the collective consciousness right now because all of this is like so in our face and it is a heightened version of the awful things that are going on, right.
Speaker 1:I just wanna acknowledge that, like there's always awful things going on and at the moment it just feels like this even more, and I think there is even more, and we're all feeling it. We're all really really feeling it and we can't really get away from that. So you need to once again get back into alignment and get present with the fact that the world is almost in its own winter, and winter requires nourishment, slowness, warmth, gentleness, kindness, understanding that spring is going to come and you can still manifest in winter. In fact, if you do all those things and you'd be present to the fact that you're in a winter and allow yourself to get into alignment with your winter, you will manage. The spring will be fucking blowing your mind and like it is mine right now. So I'll leave it to that.
Speaker 1:I hope that you are all good. I hope you're being kind and gentle with yourself. That's it, guys. The work always is to be kind and gentle and love yourself. That's all the work is, and you're just gonna get better and better and better and better at doing that and better at not abandoning yourself, better at being kind to yourself, and the effects of that are just so huge. That's all this work is really. Just love yourself. Love yourself more. Stop berating yourself. Shut that dick up. Shut that dick up. Okay, I'm gonna leave it on that. I love you guys. Send me a deal. I'm gonna leave it on that. I love you guys. Love you guys. Send me a DM, If you're going through a tough time, I will say I have an incredible mini course out right now.
Speaker 1:Send me a DM mini course. Actually, I'll leave it in the show notes and it should be in the link in my bio as well. And I basically condensed my next level success program into three modules and it's a course to manifest your best year next year. But it really is a beautifully healing course. I take you through my signature process neutralize, alchemize, align, ascend and you get a taster of that. So if you've been thinking of what it's like to work with me, what is my manifestation process like, this neutralize phase is all about getting into alignment with your winter. That is the neutralize phase and I feel like every other manifestation program omits that phase and they just want to get into like action taking and setting the vision and going after it, and I believe that that sets you up for trouble. You need to honor your winter first, because if you can honor your winter you can get through any tough time in life. So it's a three module course.
Speaker 1:It's over six hours of content. It has a private Facebook group. When you join the course, you join the private Facebook group where you can ask me absolutely anything over the next year and receive personal support from me. It's a beautiful community that we're growing inside there. So, yeah, that sounds like you want to get a taste of what my work is and what I teach and really go through the process. It's a really beautiful healing course mini course. So, yeah, I love you guys. I'll chat to you soon. Next podcast episode will be up soon and you know it's a. Catch me on Instagram. Send me a DM if you have absolutely any questions about any of those or if you want to share how this landed for you. I love you, stay golden.